Well, I know no one really reads this blog (and it’s not like I update alot) but stuff has been happening. I have finally reached a point where I can sink no lower. In a effort to avoid a 2nd bankruptcy ( I am just coming out of the first one), I spoke with a credit counselor that my credit union provides free of charge. I was told that I would have to find a way to bring in more income (well, duh! ) or cut my expenses basically in 1/2 (I’m down to basics now). Let me say this before I go any further…. right now I am current on all my bills but my rent. With my job only being part time and the strange schedule I work, it makes it hard, I feel to find a second job. (Btw, my schedule is Midnight to 7am Wed -Sat and I end up on call and sometimes working Sundays as well.) So…. I went to the place I THOUGHT I could get support – my parents. I DID NOT ask for any money. I simply let them know the situation maturely, and said I felt that maybe the best solution was if I moved in with them for a bit. I stated we could set an end date, I would pay them so much each month towards utilities and food, as well as help at the house where and when I can if I’m not picking up extra hours. My mother flew into a tizzy about how much she DIDN’T want me to stay with them, how it would COST them a bunch of money they don’t have, and even went so far to say if I moved in, she was moving out. (Well, lady do ya really think I WANT to come back there?) Bottom lining it… I feel like a FAILURE (my sole and primary purpose in life — although I continue to try and find some positive in this situation) and they just rub it in more! They push me about getting everything packed, keep saying you know you have to help move (um again duh! ) even though I will not have been to bed!, and even start pushing me to apply here and there for jobs. If this is the way it is going to be…. I would rather be made a ward of the state and move voluntarily into an asylum. How am I supposed to feel good about myself when all I’ve ever heard from them is instead of What Happened? – I get What did you do? Why can’t you grasp this? Why do you have such a hard time with things? You only do this or that to try and make us proud of you. (Folks I freaking gave up on that YEARS ago … I am the biggest disappointment in my parents’ lives.) I know if I don’t do something I will wither and die in this environment. I keep telling myself that I do still (for the moment) have a steady job, will be able to save and am not limited to just the 30 mile radius around me to look for a job (where I live is total rural… Walmart is the social center if that says anything.). Right now I’m trying to breathe and be happy, but…. it’s tough. I have a feeling it’s just going to get tougher. I’m trying not to complain but when I hear my folks you’d swear this was harder on them than it is on me! I’m not saying it’s not hard on them but you’d swear somebody kicked their puppy! I want to just get through this (hopefully with as few emotional and physical scars as possible) and get out so I can well, basically cut ties with my “family”. I know it sounds harsh and cold, but I always thought the purpose of family was that they were there for you when no one else was – unconditionally. My family has so many secrets and lies, they don’t want to really help one another (and when they do, there’s an agenda most of the time). I hear these people tout how they love their families and have all these get togethers and I don’t get them. How can they stand to be with their family? To me, family has always been secrets, criticism, judgement, lies…. begrudgingly being together. I hope someday I will be able to understand the other side. However, at 46, I don’t think it will happen anytime soon.
It’s been awhile since my original post about getting things together. For the most part, as far as taking care of myself…. well, I’m still not doing really well. This feedback came to me yesterday when I went to the doctor because my hands and feet the other week were so swollen I could hardly get shoes on. Well, of course the first thing they ALWAYS do at the doctor’s is take your weight. I am going on public record here. I am at the highest weight I’ve ever been — 276 lbs. I WILL NOT allow myself to get to 300. This weight gain is my own making by putting my health and needs last. I have a hard time when my family calls and wants me to do something or work calls and wants me to switch my schedule saying no, can we reschedule or can I come at X time (allowing me to take care of me by eating or exercising or getting something done at home). This has to stop. I have noticed it has been getting harder and harder for me to do certain things and when I walk certain distances I am winded. I spoke to my doctor about getting my medications adjusted (this is partly because of blood pressures issues ) and I was proud of myself for telling him I knew this was caused by the weight gain, owned up to eating way too much fast food, and not exercising. I know what I need to do… but getting myself to do it is another matter. I know I have to do this for me, and I am. However, it does help to have emotional support during all this. I have a few people in my life who do support me. They, however, have other priorities than me (as it should be … I am NOT the center of the universe no matter how much I’d love to believe it! ) and cannot be my cheerleader 24/7/365. My family is another matter. I do have a relationship with them, and none of them are bad people, we just have a difficult time being a family. I know they are there if I need them and they cannot do this for me. I HAVE TO DO THE WORK!! It’s not that I can’t do this, I’ve done it with some success. I just need to get off my butt, quit using me being on 3rd shift as an excuse and do what I need to do. However, there is a caveat here, I sometimes let my family sabotage me. For example, at Thanksgiving… I got left overs, which was fine… but my folks also sent home a bunch of candy I didn’t want in the house and didn’t need to eat. I keep that stuff out the house for a reason. I know I will binge on it if it’s here. They did nothing wrong in a way, it was my bad. I should have took the candy back or kept a smaller portion and return the rest. (After all, it’s always gonna be a special occasion for someone, somewhere and you can’t avoid junk food forever! ) Once I took all this in about myself, my immediate response was I need to reestablish myself with Weight Watchers and get my YMCA membership back. Then, I was like can I scrimp that money out for the next couple of months til my tax return comes back and what about other bills or needs I have that I can use that money for? My other thoughts were my folks will say that was a bad decision financially – a luxury when I barely make everything else. (I’m killing myself slowly was my response to this and I have to do something and have a way to be accountable. This is what I use as my accountability!) Then.. the thought of … what if I don’t get as much money back from taxes as I’d like or hope? What then? I’m screwed! So that’s where my obstacles start. The other obstacle is devising a schedule that works on 3rd shift for cleaning,cooking, eating and exercising. So…. right now I’m wondering…. do I take a risk and rejoin Weight Watchers and the Y and force myself onto a schedule where I can start to get my health on track? Sound off with any advice in my comments (good or bad – I need reality). Right now all I can do is the 1st baby step of getting blood work done so my medication can be looked at. This I will do by the end of the week. I have also decided as of next week, I am off Mondays and Tuesdays so the cleaning WILL start getting done on Mondays ( I go into work at 11:45 pm on Tuesday) and since I generally get off at 6 am, I will try to devise a way to get some exercise and cook! I also realized I can start taking some food to work with me. (I’ll post on this situation later) For now… I guess baby steps. Just need to make some quick decisions. Off to get ready to brave to elements and head to work!
As the old saying goes…. the journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Well… I guess this is mine. I realize I am never going to get anywhere on this journey (late in coming though it is at 45) if I don’t define some goals and look at some basic issues. I thought I’d look at an issue I have first which affects my success. It’s taking care of me. I thought, I need to think about what this looks like for me, and what steps I can take to make this picture a reality. So…. here goes. For me, I feel taking care of myself is doing the following:
1. Maintaining health by regular dr visits, taking medications as prescribed, eating more healthy/proper portions, exercise, keeping hydrated, sleeping 7-8 hrs daily.
2. Keeping a clean home. (Clean weekly, make the bed, laundry, dishes, trash…. grocery shopping)
3. Acquiring long term employment which will enable me to meet my financial obligations and provide benefits which will assist in maintaining my health
4. Regularly attending church services… I just feel that having a relationship with a higher power helps put things into focus and destresses life.
5. Emotionally for me, I need to do a couple of things… find some social groups and/or develop a better relationship with my family for interaction since I live and work mostly alone and adopt a furry companion for someone at home to love.
6. Finding time and hobbies I enjoy so I can balance work/home.
I know all these items are things I should be doing anyhow… however, I am very lax right now about some of these items and need to
work on them. This is easier said than done sometimes. Now that I have defined publicly what taking care of me means… guess my next step is…. implementing these things. Will think about this and post later along with goals for the coming year.
1. I have no biological aunts – my parents’ siblings were all brothers. All my aunts are by marriage.
2. Until I was 17, I wanted to be a veterinarian. I decided against it my junior year of high school when I had difficulty with chemistry. I couldn’t live with the possibility of harming an animal due to poor knowledge.
3. I have only a few (by this I mean less than 15) friends. I had a terrible experience in 7th grade which pretty much to this day makes it hard for me to make friends because I don’t trust easily.
4. The person I consider my best friend is actually only 5 months older than my younger sister – and the two have ALOT of characteristics in common!
5. I hate to clean my house! I find the repetitious cycle tedious and thankless.
6. Anything to do with France and French culture, I usually eat up. I studied French in high school (all 4yrs) and went on to minor in it in college. One of my bucket list items is to become fluent. (Btw, I had the pleasure of visiting the country when I was 16 and LOVED what I saw. I want to go back! )
7. I had the distinct honor of knowing 4 of my great – grandparents as well as all 4 of my grandparents. In fact, one set of great- grandparents actually lived across the street from my family when I was growing up so we were quite close to them.
8. I have 2 siblings – 1 younger brother and 1 younger sister. I shared a room with my younger sister until I moved out at age 26.
9. I have lived in my current duplex since 1994. (And, yes, I rent… sad isn’t it? LOL)
10. I never considered myself a cat person until I adopted my first furry baby in 1994. Loved him so much 3 months after I got him, I repeated the experience! The kittens were 8 and 9 weeks old when I got them and they gave me unconditional love and companionship until they died at 16 and 18 years old respectively. I just lost my last baby in January of 2013 and am really at loose ends and hating my apartment at the moment.
11. I work 3rd shift because a.) I’m a night owl, b.) I like being alone and c.) I avoid work drama.
12. Literacy is a passion of mine. I couldn’t wait to get to 1st grade to learn to read. Once I started, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped! I probably go through 2 – 4 books a week. The library people know me by my first name I’m there so much! I feel like Norm on CHEERS.
13. It took me 3 times to pass the test for my driver’s license ( and I’m still not the greatest driver in the world)
14. I share a birthday with Oprah Winfrey.
15. I still live in the town where I was born and attend the church where my parents were married and where I was baptized, made first communion and confirmed.
16. I LOVE the theatre and philharmonic. I didn’t know this about myself until I was in college. My music appreciation professor and my fraternity little brother are who I credit with my discovering this love. The prof required us to attend different music events on campus which turned me on to classical music and my little brother was in the productions and I always tried to go to support him (ended up loving both things!).
17. I am short – like only 5 ft tall and will not obviously get any taller. I HATE it when people act like either I don’t know this fact or they’ve never seen anyone who is my height! It’s cute to them, but really annoying to me!
18. I don’t follow sports or entertainment awards shows and only really watch 1 reality show. I don’t get the entertainment value of any of these mediums. I prefer scripted shows – dramas and sitcoms.
19. I am not patriotic. Although I exercise my privilege to vote, I don’t get the intense loyalty to a country, state, city or even an educational institution. In fact, when 9/11 occurred, I preferred to take the stance of waiting to verify who was responsible and letting our tempers cool before deciding how to retaliate. However, I admire those selfless individuals who do risk their lives for my freedom and safety.
20. I’ve been through bankruptcy and it inspired me to go back to school to earn a 2nd and 3rd degree in Accounting. I’ve completed my Masters but am still working on my 2nd bachelors degree (break due to lack of funding at the moment).
21. I never learned how to swim.
22. I took piano lessons in middle school and wasn’t bad. I also started out in the jr high band with a clarinet, but never really took to it.
23. I own 2 iPods – 1 for home, 1 for gym. They all have the same songs on them.
24. My grandmother taught me to crochet when I was 12. I’ve only finished a couple of projects. Another bucket list thing is to do some crocheting to honor her memory. I am also trying to learn to knit and quilt. I’ve yet to finish a project!
25. I have not decorated for the Christmas holidays or shopped for them in about 10 yrs. However, I have a closet full of decorations for some reason!
I’ve tried this blogging thing before, but I’m going to attempt it again to use it as a channel to work out feelings and share my journey to achieving, at what I consider a late date, the life I would like to live.
After running the gambit of the employment cycle and being devastated financially by unemployment, a mail scam and some frankly poor choices on my part, I have finally started on what I would like to be an upward spiral. I am working part time (and still looking for full time) at a job I seem to enjoy and making progress on getting back to where I need to be financially, At one time, I was a member of Weight Watchers, a regular at the local Y and attending online classes at University of Phoenix.
Due to the financial obstacles, I am taking a leave from school, have given up the memberships at the Y and Weight Watchers. One of my goals for this blog is to journey back to class and my fitness regimen. I hope those who decide to read this will see strength and perseverance as well as know they are not alone in what they are going through and will survive it.